Journey To Manhood
Growing up I received many messages about manhood and how men earn it. I learned that manhood is earned through self-mutilation, it is earned through letting the cookie cutter make you the right man, and most importantly I learned that manhood was mostly earned by having a penis specifcally one that worked in the ways society wanted it to. I also learned very quickly that I did not and could not ever earn these things, I learned I did not have the right body and my brain did not work the right way anyway. Because of these messages, I spent a good long time trying to force myself into the shape the world wanted me to, I tried very hard to fit the role I was given and balance the line between queerness and not. But the thing is it never worked I always seemed to cross the threshold of acceptable deviation from the norm, I wore dressed too much or too little, I had hair that was too long or too short, and I wasn’t interested in the correct things, and I most certainly did not express or repress my emotions correctly.
When I first realized I was trans I thought this would somehow fix the issue of being forced into gender roles. I thought it was as simple as well now I’m queer so those thoughts and ideas just go away but that did not fix the issues. I thought maybe if I just surrounded myself with queer people of any kind it would go away then but it didn’t. I was left feeling I had to earn my masculinity and manhood through pain. I was left trying to cut off the parts of me that didn’t fit into the mold of Man. This left me depressed, suicidal, anxious, and overall exhausted with life. I went from pretty neutral about my body and myself to hating every part of myself. I knew something needed to change but I didn’t know what to change or where to start.
Eventually, I found the catalyst I needed, autism, I found out about 3 years after realizing I was trans that I was autistic and that was a huge life change for me. Suddenly, I felt like my eyes were opened in a way they weren’t before, I understood why gender had never made sense to me the way it did for other people. As I started to explore my autism I began to explore gender in a new way. As I explored my gender I learned that I could do all the things I wanted and still be a Man; I finally had the room to do things like wear make-up and dresses, and I could be emotional and soft without compromising my manhood.
And, I know writing this makes it seem like it is an easy thing like one day you just flip a switch and you never look back but it has not been and it is a struggle at times. I still have days where my brain tells me I need to earn my manhood through pain and suffering, I still have days where I feel I will never be a real Man because of my disabilities and my transness but I also have days where my best friend calls me a boy and I can’t feel anything but joy, and I have days where I notice changes from testosterone and I am overjoyed. I have spent many years and I imagine I will spend many more fighting other people's ideas and rules around manhood but I will also get to spend years falling in love with myself and the men in my life and that is a lovely feeling. Knowing I am becoming the kind of person I needed as a kid, knowing that I am making space for other men to safely unlearn the patriarchal manhood they were taught. The world has a long way to go to fully undo and unlearn the patriarchy but there are people of all genders doing the work like me to unlearn and dismantle the patriarchy so we all can be free to be ourselves.
